Today I want to share some lessons learned…if you don’t want to hear a recap of things I have discussed on my fan page this week then you can scroll down to the numbered list because I realized that portion is a long read…I am not going to talk about it any longer, but I do feel that this is a story that sets the tone for the list I came up with and you can vividly see the examples. I’ve italicized it so that you can know what to skip.
Over the past week I have dealt with some catty drama from an abrasive, condescending woman who pretended to be my friend for a long time. I was angry at how she treated me after I attempted to cut her off silently. I decided to block her number and on social media after ACCEPTING who she was. For a long time I noticed several red flags, but I kept giving the benefit of the doubt because I was being bamboozled. This woman kept giving me mixed energies. I couldn’t tell whether she really liked me. I had the feeling that she was only getting close to me because I was a valuable person in her network with an engaging platform, and she knew that I was younger than her so she could try to convince me to do healing work with her. She originally approached me about doing a radio show with me because she said she loved what I was doing for Black women with being a voice for them and advocating for their issues. We did the radio show and during the show I felt uncomfortable at times because I felt she had been extreme in some ways with her volatile messages and I felt she was trying to force women into healing so that they could buy her services.
Fast forward the tape, she sat on the phone with me for months. She would hit me up at least once a month claiming that she was just checking on me. Normally it would be around the time where I was having a flare up(I have fibromyalgia) or if she noticed that I was expressing some kind of anger, hurt, or stress in my posts. I would share moments with her and she would try to suggest that I do healing work with her and I kept declining because I could not afford the services, and a part of me didn’t trust her. She and I would both talk about how some Black women only want to focus on Black men and that was our common bond. I would tell her about some of my ideas that I wanted to do with Black women in my business and she would always shoot it down with “Black women aren’t gonna buy from you! They don’t want to heal! They don’t wanna invest in theirselves!”. To a degree I believed that, but a part of me felt like she was expressing the anger from Black women not TRUSTING HER to buy her services. I noticed she would always put her clients on blast or anyone who rejected her services and put out their personal business, but I didn’t think anything of it. I just looked for the lesson in it, but looking back this was the reason I was afraid to fall out with her. I told her about how I was partially disabled and I do freelance work so I don’t make much money with having 3 children, and one at home. That meant that I had to always turn down jobs because of how my body was feeling or that I needed a sitter for my youngest child. She always suggested things here and there to make it seem like she genuinely wanted to help me. Most of the things she suggested I already knew about or didn’t have access to.
I actually predicted and FELT that if I had cut her off it would not end well. I’ve had other women tell me the same thing about keeping her around longer than they had to. But enough was enough. I saw the way she gaslighted women for not wanting to join her movement and it rubbed me the wrong way mainly because I had seen this type of behavior before. I am from the school of belief that when you are a leader you throw something out there and don’t force people to join you. You nurture and lead those willing to follow. You don’t have to beg, manipulate and gaslight. I noticed that this was a pattern of hers. What is so funny is this movement she was started stemmed from ideas I kept putting out on social media and one expressed directly to her via phone, but I didn’t think anything of it until NOW.
There was also some huge red flags about her. Like she has a real disdain for single Black mothers, but more so mothers of sons. I understood this sentiment because many of us Black women feel that Black mothers either coddle their sons too much and don’t teach them the value of women or they abuse them. I am a mother of sons, but never took anything personal because I know I am not the mothers she is speaking on. I just found it ironic that there was a time when she told me she was going to block me on Facebook because she was about to start going hard on cracking down on these mothers and didn’t want me to potentially take things personal. That was weird to me too. I also recall listening to a few radio shows and she was blasting a woman who had “allegedly” stole content from her and some of her insults were very nasty and you can just tell that she had it out for Black single mothers.
There was also a time where she would be trying to turn me against another sister. She told me this woman was “vamping” my posts. She said that the woman was copying me. I disagreed. The young woman would be digging up old content of mine on FB then make a post about it, but I thought okay maybe she really likes my content and look up to me. After I told her I didn’t have a problem with this young woman she said that she needs to reach out to this woman and do healing work with her. (Everytime you disagree with her on something she always suggested healing). She said that she is gonna stop this woman and she had people reporting posts on her page. I never said anything to this young woman because I felt like this woman would confront her and I didn’t want any drama in my life at the time. I deal with anxiety and when I am stressed it hurts my body, and I can’t think so I just didn’t say anything to protect my energy. I felt bad about it, but I am committed to making sure I can function. I have children and I have to be sane for myself and them. I was more in shock than anything and I guess it went over my head.
Now looking back I am thinking so why did you keep me as a friend if you hate these mothers so much? But I ignored that because I thought “well I know she is talking about a specific type”
Now fast forward the tape and I decide to cut her off silently because I respect people’s right to be who they really are. I blocked her number and blocked her on social media. What starts happening is my FB account keeps getting reported and I am thinking that it was just a sensitive white person although I wasn’t even friends with many white people nor do they follow my pages.
So then the manipulative master throws out bait for me. She has her troll account set up pretending to be someone else and throws out a lie she knew I would respond to. She throws out more lies to intentionally upset me so I could go off then responds with her other troll account making as if I’m crazy and unstable for responding with anger and calling her out of her name.
She then takes one screenshot saying “I used to like Mammy No More but she’s not for sisterhood attacking sister’s this way” and something of the sort. That’s when I went off. She was trying to get people to view me in a negative light knowing damn well her and her troll accounts were telling lies anyone would get mad at.
So from there I felt that it was necessary for me to tell my friends and followers what was going on since she was clearly trying to tarnish my brand. I wrote a post and did a FB live video about it to share what was going on.
Of course this sets her off. Anytime a narcissist is exposed they pretend to be the innocent victim. She decides to do a radio show about me then TAG my fucking fan page when she was telling “her side” which is a bunch of exaggerations and lies. I didn’t listen to the show because I knew it would piss me off but of course spectators told me about it. Said she was laying out my personal business like coming for me about my income and I’m pretty sure most of what she said is a bunch of lies and exaggerations anyway, but the fact of the matter is when you are supposedly “friends” with someone you don’t put their business out. She did the same thing to Breukelen Bleu and many others.
I’ve noticed she has done this to other people and she talks bad about her so called clients and prospective clients every week. Every week it’s something about someone not wanting to pay her for her work or undercut her and a part of me always felt like she wasn’t telling the whole truth. Well I’ve had many people come to my inbox (in fear of her starting drama with them and trying to tarnish their brand), telling me that she’s money hungry and because they sensed this they didn’t want to do business with her. Also people were paying for some things like membership programs and such and she didn’t give people what they were paying for and slapping content together that wasn’t valuable. So she spends a lot of time pretending that everyone else is just cheap and trying to use her for her gifts when the reality is people don’t trust her.
I’ve heard from several women that they she was mentally unstable or seemed off so they removed her from their friends list.
I also spoke with another woman who was burned a few years ago by her. When this woman cut her off she got nasty with reporting things on FB and telling people that the business she was running was fraudulent. This woman told me that she even stole some of her ideas and others ideas YET this is always the same song she always cries when she has a fall out with someone. “They copied me” “they stole my idea” which is a flat out lie when she does the stealing. She has lurked my page and saw my conversations about having a Black Facebook and I’ve even discussed to her via phone that we need separate space for Black women then a week or two later she wants to do a Facebook Black out for Black women. Many women didn’t want to participate simply because it was a last minute thing to pop up and say “hey let’s take 90 days off FB!”, it was a lot to ask people to go without FB for 90 days when many of us run businesses and use FB to connect with family and friends, then many didn’t care for her vibe. Regardless of all that I still helped promote the Black out despite me not participating. Then I saw the way she was gaslighting women and I felt it was very nasty. That was my last straw as I’ve had bad vibes the whole time about her. Then she was trying to get women to pay her for healing work and other shit.
As I look back I believe it was her all along reporting my page because ironically she would always call me around the time I was blocked then tried to act like she was upset with me and she would always call when she seen me being stressed out so she can tell me to do healing work with her. I told her I couldn’t afford it and she would suggest I do a payment plan with her. She knew I was a single mother of 3 who is not employed and only work on a freelance basis yet she kept trying.
Looking back all of the signs were there but I tried giving the benefit of the doubt because I kept saying we are all different. I had mixed energies about her. This reminds me of high school drama I went through with a so called best friend and even reminds me of dealing with my mother. This is how I KNOW narcissist behavior when I see it.
Here are a few ways to know if a friend is really a friend and to know when women are pimping sisterhood:
- These women go on and on all day about sisterhood ,but every time you turn around they are always acting as if they are superior to certain types of women. Their false sense of superiority is based on whether they have money, have a white man,married, don’t have children, are skinny, never made any poor choices,etc. They find ways to tear these women down who don’t have what they have and chalk it up to “tough love” but their delivery is nasty. We know the truth hurts sometimes,but this simply isn’t the case. The tone you get is abrasive and condescending. It does not feel sisterly.
- These female pimps are not really about solutions other than what they are selling. They always are trying to prove how they are so much different from people on their field to justify why their prices are higher and why they are charging for their bullshit. Don’t get me wrong. I believe in getting paid for your gifts and I feel that we as Black women give too much away for free, however there is a fine line between giving value and being paid for it versus pure manipulation and being pushy with what you’re selling because you just want to make money and not interested in helping the people you are selling to. If the only solution for a multitude of issues they have is “buy my course ” “buy a session from me” they are not genuine. They have this “my way or no way mentality”. True leaders don’t pull teeth and throw tantrums when people won’t follow them. They take that same energy and time to lead those who do follow. They know that their job is to lead. They know that their job is not to be a savior and Not to be someone’s only way to righteousness.
- Their core passion is centered around being saved by someone else or saving someone else. Many BWE bloggers believe the only solution for Black women is lose weight, act and dress more “feminine” to get a wealthy white man.Then there are others who believe the only solution to having a good life is being a devoted saved Christian. Then there are others who believe the only solution is to buy a spell, go to a psychic, or do healing work with a witch. You will see their entire platforms built around tearing down any woman who doesn’t choose the path she’s promoting. The narcissistic behaviors come out when these women are so dead set on saving other women so that any woman who doesn’t choose their path means they don’t really want change, and they will gaslight women into following them by preying on their emotions,sometimes with extremism. They say enough of the right things that Black women can easily relate to then comes the bullshit. It is the same manner in which many preachers bamboozle and manipulate their congregations. They know the pain points of these people and focus on them so much while trying to make them feel guilty for living said “devilish” lifestyle or behaving a certain way. They get you where they want you then ask you to put that money in the collection plate and tell you to get saved. They know that if you believe you are saved you will show up to church more so they can really prey on your emotions. They tend to focus on the negative and push pain porn messages, or messages to make you feel like shit so they can offer themselves as your solutions. They believe their answer is the answer for everyone and that they need to save you for their own ego. They may push extreme messages like the BWE women saying to abort Black male babies as the solution to end Black patriarchy. The way they break it down sounds logical to a degree(basically if you aren’t gonna raise the boys right and if they are going to get exposed to other low level males then bringing them into the world won’t help) ,but you know deep down the shit is just pain talking and ending patriarchy isn’t just that cut and dry. However, it sounds good to those who are into darkness and those who are not for real about the pain Black men has caused them.Then there are the women who feel like they are superior than other women who haven’t got past their pain stages yet. They feel like these women are an inconvenience because they are supposedly not on their level so narcissistic people always have to take advantage of others they feel better than. The woman discussed above Remember, it is not a bad thing to be passionate about your love for Black women. It is a problem when you feel like you are in control of how these women choose to behave and when you feel like you can be these women’s saviors to the point that when they don’t choose you you flip out, throw tantrums, and talk badly about the women who have chosen another path. Saviors always believe they have all of the answers.
- Narcissistic Black women never take responsibility for their actions. We all know that everyone has haters,but if there is a consensus on this person being off or dirty in some ways pay attention to the criticism and the patterns. Are these people always making excuses for themselves to be dirty? If every time they are called out on something they always play the victim? Remember how Dr. Umar acted when people start questioning? He assumes that he is just more conscious than everyone, and that he would have had the money for the school had the stripper not exposed him. Everything is always someone else’s fault and they are never the blame. In their minds everyone is out to get them and everyone is just jealous. When they are rejected by others it is always them claiming that no one supports them and that others are somehow cheating to get to where they are. They pretend that others have copied them in some way, and that they should be getting credit for more than they deserve when they’ve done nothing.
- Delusions of Grandeur. Narcissistic people always believe themselves to be better than they really are. They believe they are prophets or enlightened,but when you look at their life you don’t see anything abundant about them. I know of a man who doesn’t take care of his child that much,can’t keep a job, sleeps with a lot of women, but always talk as if he is an enlightened one. He was giving life advice to men and women who are more established than he is. If you look at his Facebook page you’ll see lies and exaggerations about how much he actually takes care of his child and even as he was jobless he would post statuses saying he was on his way to work. I know of a narcissist mother who portrays herself to be a saved Christian who is supposedly a child of God who is blessed and highly favored yet she talks about people like a dog no matter how good they are. If you do a mother Theresa act around her she will either downplay the impact or find some way to give herself credit. She is constantly pushing her bigoted religious views on people and saying that other people are not on her level of spirituality. She’s bitter, controlling, abused her children all her life and still does while they are adults. She pushes the belief that God has brought her a long way, and that other people don’t have shit because they don’t serve and know God like she does. But here’s the real deal: She is in her 50s with a bum husband,they’ve been evicted everywhere they have moved since the beginning of their marriage, now they live with their mother in law for the past 2 years. They are broke. She has had to help him pay child support and has bailed him out of so many unncessary situations and he isn’t reciprocating.. They Have no assets. Can’t afford to travel 3 hours away to the Beach,one of the best vacation spots in the US, and always looks for the cheapest room only to stay one night because that’s all they can afford. No ma’am. If we are married for over 10 years and we can’t stay for longer than a day I’m good on that. The bottom line here is her life is poverty stricken and filled with struggle,yet she tells others that they need to be like her and get saved so God can bless them. Delusion much right? They believe that they have all the answers for everyone’s life and that they are holier than thou. Narcissistic Black women like this are fronting about lives they don’t live to serve their ego and feel like somebody to somebody. They are hiding behind lots of traumatic experiences they’ve never healed from. In their minds they are a God but in reality they are not living the lives they want to live so they created a fake life for others. Holding on to this fake life helps them avoid their reality. The fake life they are living is made up so well that some people buy into it and pay them because they speak to their broken parts.
- Narcissistic Black women like to lead cults. They don’t want to be questioned. They want blind followers who kiss their ass. They don’t want sisters they want minions. They want you to be their little bitches who bow down to all of their rules. When you question their value or their authenticity they snap on you. This isn’t to be confused with women who refuse to answer to people’s bullshit with playing dumb or trying to throw shade. Honey…let me tell you…I don’t play that shit and I will never. If anyone comes to me making false accusations when I know that I haven’t given anyone a reason to believe I am not genuine I am gonna flip on them and I do not give a fuck. However, what I am discussing is women who have not given anyone a reason to trust them and have not truly shared their value, but expect people to just jump when they say jump. And if you don’t jump you’re a “broke bitch” “mammy” “dumb” “failure”. I always let it be known that my message ain’t for everybody. If you want to unfollow you can. Don’t bring that bullshit in my space when I and everybody else know what the fuck I am talking about. I always promote other women’s work because I know that if I am not meant to reach a woman someone else is. I don’t care about losing a follower to another woman because she can respect us both and it is all choice. I am not pulling no teeth or gaslighting women who don’t agree with everything I say. Narcisstic Black women love to lead cults so they can manipulate other women and feel greater than them. You’re not allowed to be an individual around them because then they will make your personal situations or differences about the “greater good”. They say things like “we can’t have anything” or “This is not good for us”. Meaning that you can’t just do what is best for you! You just have to do what is best for the “we” or “us”. They expect you to pretend that there aren’t any issues and expect silence. Asking a “sister” to be silent about something a toxic woman is putting her through and talk directly to a toxic woman who is trying to tear her down for the sake of “sisterhood” and the greater good is NO different from when Black people ask Black women to be silent about their rape, domestic violence, and struggles that Black men have put them through for the sake of “the race”It is NO different from when Black men tell us to find a nicer way to talk about misogynoir. Learn to stay in your own lane and stop trying to tell a grown woman how to react to toxicity.Do you want to be a cult leader or sister? I posted this on my CreWisdom page : “Some of you need to stop trying to make “sisterhood” a fucking cult.Stop telling women to put their differences aside when the conflict is really a “sister” being a jealous,lying, backstabber.Stop telling women to put their differences aside when the conflict is really a “sister” taking advantage of other women.
Stop telling women to put their differences aside when the conflict is really a “sister” not respecting another sisters path or choices and pushing their own agenda on other sisters.
Stop telling women to put their differences aside when the conflict is really a “sister” seeing herself as superior and above other sisters because of the type of man she is with, her gifts, skin tone, or weight.
Everyone can not be a sister to everyone.
Every woman has a right to choose and defend herself against anyone on that bullshit!”
- Narcissistic Black women love to hear that you are struggling. I can recall years ago when a fake friend would only love hearing from me when I was sharing all of my struggles. She would be there to encourage me. We would be inboxing each other about relationship problems and we could relate in some ways. Later when I left that relationship and she was still stuck with her cheating husband she started to distance herself from me. She secretly loved when I was struggling and I was that friend she could say “hey we are struggling together” and when I bossed up and left that nigga she was jealous that I had the strength to leave when there was really nothing stopping her. She had done a whole lot of shady shit in high school to me and I always was in denial about it and when I looked back I can’t say she was a friend. She used me for a few things and we enjoyed each other’s company. That was about it. This is how I felt about the woman I discussed above. She watched my Facebook statuses and if I was stressed, in pain, or gave off the energy that I was growing tired from building my platform trying to discuss colorism and misogynoir with others she would call me. She would try to offer encouraging advice just to say she was sweet to me and she always tried to get me to do paid healing work with her,but I always declined. She tried to manipulate me because she could always use the “I am older than you” or “I am a witch” to make herself feel like I needed something from her. She used me for free promotion. Everyone knows that if you are in my circle and if we are cool I will share your statuses and blogs or talk about your business. This is who I am. She knew that and used me to her advantage. Even took ideas from me because she knows I have a brilliant, creative mind. They love when you are struggling so they can feel more powerful than you so when you are winning they want to pretend they are happy while plotting against you. They will either try to take credit for things you have done WITHOUT THEM or they will find a way to become a problem in your life without you realizing it so they can try to come to rescue you just to say they have been kind to you. I believe it was her all along getting my page reported and it is ironic that she always called me around the times I would be banned from Facebook to “check on” me.
- Narcissistic Black women will listen to your ideas and shoot them down . Then they will hold on to your idea to release at some point. The idea was bad for you, but not for them. Then there are the women who find some way to not be supportive of what YOU want and need. If you say ” I am thinking of going back to school” they will have an essay ready on why it isn’t a good idea(Not be confused with that friend who is tired of the education system ripping off people). I recall talking to this woman about crowdfunding. She told me “no you don’t need to do that. I have never asked nobody for shit” you just need to learn how to do money spells and manifest it yourself. I can help you if you just pay me to do _____” . The reality is she was just jealous that people may actually donate and I wouldn’t have to be sleezy for people to donate. While we are at it if you’d like to support my writing career and publishing platform click here
- Narcissistic Black women love playing the shaming and blaming game to dismiss another woman’s pain or to gaslight women into behaving like them. Then they circle it back around to their delusions of grandeur. The reason why your body is sick is because you need to pay for this healing class. The reason why you’re a single mother is because you are a dumb woman. The reason white men won’t marry us is because we don’t know how to look feminine for them. The reason why you were raped is because you were cursed. All kinds of fuckery. I do understand that there are some instances where women have to be accountable for situations they have put themselves in, however there is a big difference between personal accountability and victim shaming and blaming. No woman ever deserves bullshit so I am not here for the “well it is your fault” BS. Even if the woman did make poor judgment or a poor choice the onus does not fall on her. I still empathize with her because when you know better you do better.
- Narcissistic Black women will tear you down with their lack of empathy and belief that they are special because they haven’t experienced certain types of grievances that other women have. I saw a disgusting comment from a relative of someone I love dearly. This comment triggered me because this woman was basically blaming a woman for speaking out against street harassment and saying that the woman was just rude and that is why she experienced street harassment. She said ” well I’ve never been treated that way so it must be something she did” or something of that nature and she even called the woman a little bitch. This is part mammying, but this belief that you can just do something special to avoid being harassed or abuse. I even wrote a status about this: “You can’t just talk your way out of a man randomly killing or hurting you after being rejected.Stop assuming that just because you haven’t been stalked or harassed for saying no to a man doesn’t mean you’ve done something special.It just means that those men were either respectful or wasn’t that into you.
Stop invalidating women’s experiences with men just because you haven’t experienced it or you’re downplaying how problematic it is.
Maybe you like the attention from men because you’re self worth is low. I’ve been there. I used to intentionally wear short shorts because that was the only way some guys were into dark skin girls like me at the time. I didn’t like when they went too far like touching me,but I kinda liked it because I didn’t know any better…
So if you don’t know any better then stop invalidating other women’s experiences.
You’re not special. They will rape,kill, abuse, and harass you too.”
Now the other half of this type of ignorance and disgusting response is a lack of empathy. I sat on that phone and shared with this woman that I am unemployed because I am partially disabled and was waiting until my youngest child goes back to school to try out working outside the home again. I told her that I freelance and try to keep a small amount of clients because I know that there are times when my body and mind are not fit to do work for others. She STILL tried to sell her “healing work” services to me. And later on when I cut her off silently and she couldn’t figure out why and decided to throw out lies and bullshit on me and was EXPOSED FOR IT she decides to make a radio show about me speaking down on me for my financial situation. I didn’t listen to the show and I am sure it was mostly her lies and exaggerations, but it got back to me. Where was the empathy? There was empathy so long as she can use me, but when I cut her off she put my business out there. This is the same woman who always put down single mothers and I know she was scorned by her mother so that makes me feel like it is projection. A woman who always thrives off of another woman’s struggles is not a sister. Using another sister’s struggle to lift yourself up is disgusting and a woman like that can not be trusted.
Conclusion: I hope that you can relate or take something away from the points I have listed. I am sure I can make a whole book about it, but I will stop there. Solution? Always keep your eyes open and trust VIBES. Sometimes it is not about taking sides, it is about taking VIBES. Never give the benefit of the doubt. If it looks like a duck , talks like a duck, and acts like a duck and you FEEL it is a duck it is a duck.
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